"Cheap is great, Free is better."

Our family, and the world, lost one incredible man on January 29th, 2012.

My dad was full of life. I realize that people tend to say that when loved ones pass away, but it was especially true of my papi. Whether he was grumpy, happy, nervous, or giddy, you knew it because you could feel it. He had this aura around him that could change your mood in an instant, usually for the better (unless he was driving you insane). And while he definitely still exists, and is definitely still around, I will miss being able to talk to him for hours on end about anything that was bothering me. My dad and I are two peas in a pod, made from the same mold. He knew what I was thinking before I could articulate it, and he always knew what to say. And if you knew my dad, you know he would say it whether you wanted to hear it or not. He kicked my butt back on track numerous times, and told me what I needed to know whether I was ready or not. It wasn't always rosy, and we both have faults, but he always knew what to do. He could fix ANYTHING with his tools, and (usually) duct tape.

But the thing I will remember most about my dad is love. Simple, unconditional love. There was a time in my life when I was a hot mess. Seriously, a hot. mess. I drank a lot. I did crazy things. I broke my parents' hearts. I would disappear for days/weeks and not talk to my family. But eventually, I would come home to them. My dad would look like he was ready to drop kick me, but he always took me back with love. He always made sure that I knew, no matter what, that I was loved and that they were ready for me when I was. My parents never wrote me off, and never gave up. They just loved me the best way they could, and helped me remember my worth.

I think that, at times, my dad had a hard time recognizing his worth as a person, father, and child of God. He always thought he could do better, always apologized for not being this or that. He always strove to do his best for us, and always worked so hard to make sure we were taken care of. A couple of weeks ago, we were alone in his hospital room. Out of the blue he said, "I hope I've done good for you, I don't feel like I've done well for you lately." It broke my heart. I told him how the most important things in life are not material. How he gave my brother and I the most precious gifts when he taught us to live with grace, love and humor. He taught us to take care of ourselves and other people. He taught us to not take things too seriously, but to pay attention when needed. He taught us strength. He taught us how to love the Lord in our own way. And, the last six months or so especially, he taught me how to get through trials gracefully. He never complained in the hospital. Not once. He would never vocalize how he hated it, he would never say that he hated that he couldn't walk, he wouldn't utter a word about how hard it was to have nurses intruding all the time. In the ICU, when he was going through so much with multiple intrusive tests and daily dialysis, he would just say "Okay" when a nurse or doctor would tell us something else had to be done. They would tell him they were sorry, and he would say it was ok. I can't imagine the strength it took to take what he went through so gracefully. And finally, when his body could take no more, he said "Okay" for the last time.

Dad never thought he touched many lives. He never thought he really had an impact. In the week after his death, and especially during the viewing and funeral, hundreds of people came out of the woodwork to tell me about my dad. To tell me about the special moments, to tell me what influence he had on them and their lives. To tell me how much they loved him, to tell me stories of moments where he was a great man when he thought no one was looking. I found out during this time that when my dad was manager of a finance store, he would encounter older people who were attempting to get loans to pay for their medications. When he could no longer lend them money officially through the company, he would give them money out of his pocket to pay for their medications so they wouldn't have to go without. Mom only knew about some of these times, and I'm convinced that there were many more he did not tell her about. There were hundreds of moments in my dad's lifetime where he did things like this, moments where he would help someone just because. And he never understood the impact of these actions, never understood how many people loved him and were better people because of him and his guidance.

I guess the moral of his story is that we should never wait to tell someone what an impact they've had on our lives. Don't to tell someone that you appreciate them. Don't wait to express your love and gratitude to someone who has impacted your life. I'd rather be known as a mushy gushy girl than risk having someone think they are not worth anything because I never told them what they meant to me.

Most of all, don't ever forget that you matter to our Heavenly Father. Even if no one else in your life ever tells you that you matter to them, you must remember that you matter to Him. It's been said many, many times before, but the worth of souls is great in the eyes of God. I think I've quoted this before, but I adore this talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. It is called "You Matter to Him". He goes into more detail about our Heavenly Father's love for us, and how we must never forget. In this talk is a section I love love love. He says:

"[N]o matter where you live, no matter how humble your circumstances, how meager your employment, how limited your abilities, how ordinary your appearance, or how little your calling in the Church may appear to you, you are not invisible to your Heavenly Father. He loves you. He knows your humble heart and your acts of love and kindness. Together, they form a lasting testimony of your fidelity and faith....

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."

(Read the full message here.)

 I bear my witness that He knows our names. He knows us personally, and knows the situation of all His children. He knows what you are going through and how hard it is. He does not measure you by the world's standard, he measures you by His. If you will let Him, the spirit will shisper this to you and confirm his love. If you let Him, He will work great things in your life, and, at times, miracles. If you let Him, He will surround your life in a love greater than you have ever known. If you let Him, He will show you that you matter to Him, no matter what. I testify that we all have a worth beyond our capacity to fully understand, and that we are all important, no matter our station on earth. He loves us, all of us. We are His children, and He will never, ever let us down. Heavenly Father keeps his promises, if we will allow him to work in our lives. These things I say, in Jesus' name, Amen.

Dennis Lee Lowe

Dennis Lee Lowe

1960 ~ 2012
Dennis Lee Lowe, born August 8, 1960 in Butte, Montana, lived a life full of humor, loyalty and hard work, but moved on January 29, 2012 to pursue other opportunities of a holier sort. He graduated from South High School in 1978 and soon thereafter began his studies at the University of Utah. While attending the U, he met his sweetheart of 32 years, Cindy, who, he said, saved him from himself and threw him onto the straight and narrow, where he remained a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The two were married in the Salt Lake Temple on June 19, 1982 and welcomed two wonderful children into the world. He was a dedicated father who cheered the loudest at anything and everything in which his children were involved. He loved his wife dearly and they both created a shining example after which their children can base their own marriages and future parenthood. He was a season-ticket holder to his beloved Utes and rarely let a day go by that he didn't jazz a BYU fan about having a lesser fate than his own.
He is survived by his wife, Cindy; his daughter, Christi; his son, Trenton (Emily); his brother, Terry (Kathy); his sister Candace (Jay) Rymniak; many brothers and sisters-in-law; and many nieces and nephews, whom he loved dearly. He is preceded in death by his father, Gene Francis Lowe; his mother, Shirley Goodall; and his sister, Cheryl Brown.
A viewing, in his honor, will be held Friday, Feb. 3, at Russon Brothers Bountiful Mortuary, 295 North Main, from 6 to 8 p.m. Funeral services will be held at the Bountiful 4th Ward chapel at 102 E. 1400 S., in Bountiful, Utah, on Saturday, Feb. 4, at 11 a.m., with a viewing prior to services from 9:45 a.m.-10:45 a.m. Online guest book at http://www.russonmortuary.com/.
In lieu of flowers donations can be made to any America First Credit Union in Dennis' name

The Burning House

A week ago, I thought I was losing my best guy friend.

My dad is ill, very ill. And that Sunday in the ICU, it didn't feel like he would get a whole lot better. Mom was asked about life support preferences, the big ones. Did you know there are varying degrees of life support? I didn't, not until now. My brother and sister in law flew in from Tennessee. We prayed. We held dad's swollen hand, talking to him and hoping he heard our secrets. And we cried. I hit every stage of grief within that week, struggling between tense, gut-wrenching sadness and comfort in the stalwart knowledge that families can be together for ever. And it's not just a song, it is truth.

Fast forward a week and one day later. 8 days and many miracles later, I sat here at my desk checking facebook and feeling a whole lot better about things. We are not out of the woods, and he is still a very sick man. But maybe, just maybe, I can let this knot in my stomach go, even if just a little bit. A friend of mine posted something intriguing on facebook today, something that caught and kept my attention for a good portion of time. She introduced me to The Burning House, a blog with a collection of pictures of the items people would take if their house were burning and they had only minutes to condense their most important posessions to a small number of items they could carry in their arms. I found it so interesting to see the things that people would take. There were an infinite number of Macbooks and hipster sunglasses, lighters, sentimental stuffed animals of one breed or another, pets, family and other minutiae that we, as everyday people, find terribly important. It got me thinking about my minutiae, and what I would take. So I started to take stock.

I wasn't surprised to find that after some digging, most of my items relate to family, considering our current situation. Of course, my list now is vastly different than what it would have been had I done this five years ago. Ten years ago.

Here is my pic:

The List:

1. A blue sign painted for me by my brother. It reminds me that it is all worth it.
2. My 20 yr old scriptures and my scripture journal of inspiration and revelation.
3. A blue ceramic box made for me by my mom when I was just a little one. The inscription on the bottom reads "To my favorite little girl! Love, Mom Dec 1990"
4. A handcrafted wooden sign made by my dad in 2006. It reads "A good heart and good mind are a formidable combination. -N. Mandela"
5. Letters, a postcard, and a copy of The Book of Mormon with his testimony in it from my brother while on his mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
6. A mug I made in 7th grade. It's a duck, and reminds me that we are ever changing.
7. A picture of my dad and I, circa 1987.
8. My journal from Spain, because it reminds me where I've been in life. It was a gift from my parents.
9. My tin Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox filled with notes and pictures from my school days.
10. My copy of a women's healthcare parity bill I co-wrote for the 2002 General Session of the Utah State Legislature
11. My favorites from my postcard collection.

Everything else can be replaced, including my birth certificate and such. But these things, these things are irreplaceable. While collecting them, I realized something very important.

I've already been taking things from my own figurative "burning house", stockpiling them like a mad woman.

Except my burning house was not bricks and mortar, it was my perceived shortened relationship with my best guy friend. That house has felt like it's been burning for a long time through this illness, and just when I thought we were at the end of his mortal existence, I was taking what I could from our relationship to make sure I had nuggets of goodness to last me until I would see him again. I realized that I have been going over our memories in my head for a long time now. Memories of when I was a kid, his jokes, the time the two of us went to LA all by ourselves, acted like idiots on Hollywood Boulevard, the time he taught me how to gamble at the tables in Vegas at 19 and how he threatened me with my life if I told mom. How he used to sing to me every.single.night no matter how tired he was when I was little. The bracelet I have with his name on it. The hours he spent in the shop, insisting that I learn how to change my own brakes and belts because "independent girls need skills".

Fortunately, all of my most treasured items from this burning house are not tangible. The same goes for my feelings and thoughts about my mom and brother. We are a family built on what matters, not the things in life which can be lost or misplaced. We are a family who have experienced each other and our relationships in a way that will bond us forever, and for this I will forever be grateful.

Stuff doesn't matter. Turns out the guy was right.

What would you take??

Took a little breather..

Happy Easter!!  So many things to be grateful for on this special day. I'm most grateful for our Savior, who thought I was worth making such a great sacrifice. I will be forever grateful for the things he has done (and continues to do) for me. If someone had told me three years ago that I would come back to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and love it, I would have laughed a side-splitting laugh in their face. But it was hands down the BEST decision I've ever made in my life. Don't get me wrong, it was hard. I can honestly say that it was the hardest thing I've ever done or been through, and I've been through some pretty hard things. When I came back to church, I lost the majority of my friends, with the exception of a handful My bestie, Kerri, is the most supportive friend a girl could ask for.. I was harrassed and threatened daily by those who used to know me. I didn't know who I was. I had to go through some things at church to get on the right path, and spent a lot of time feeling uncertain that I was worth it. But I coudn't shake the feeling that what I was doing was the right thing, and it turns out that it was. Maybe one day I will finally share my full conversion story publicly, but today is not that day. However, I will say that I can finally agree with our Father in Heaven that I AM worth all this trouble, because I am his child and I have a purpose in this life. That is the best feeling ever.

Wow, I did not realize that it had been nearly a month since my last update! Brand new blog, and I'm already slacking. I don't have a fancy or extravagant excuse, just the old standard. "I've been super busy." And I have.
 Here's an overview, for those who care:

Celebrated the big 28. Guess I finally have to admit I'm a grown up.

School has been kicking my butt this term. My (rockin') mentor Paul decided that it would be a good idea for me to finish math, both anatomy and physiology courses, Healthcare Ecosystems, and one other class this term. I could kick him, haha. As usual, I got a late start (it's a flaw). So I've been studying like a mad woman this past month to get everything done. I've readjusted my attitude, and I can sort of see a glow at the end of the school tunnel. It's very faint, but it's there.....

Work is great....and stressful. However, there may be a change on the horizon. An exciting change. Nothing set in stone, but I feel it's a good move.

Gearing up for my trip to Memphis. I'm super excited to spend some time with T and E (without all the family craziness. It's fun when they're here, but it's a lot of planning and craziness so they can see everyone.) Also planning to hit Seattle in September/October, and of course Burma in January.

Voice lessons are AWESOME. I was hesitant, but Julie has been able to kick my butt into gear and help me reach things I never thought possible. She's trying to get me to do a recital. My first reaction was oh heck no. However, I may do it for Mom and Dad. Aren't recitals for six year olds?

Last but not least. I've been spending quite a bit of time with friends and family recently, which has been fabulous. T & E are in town, I got to see the extended family for a bit (with the exception of the Herricks...as in D & T. Miss you guys).

I'm done. It's been a crazy weekend with all the stuff going on, and a full work week is ahead.  Best wishes to everyone for a great week!