I haven't had the heart to write lately. Mostly I've been trying to keep my head above the proverbial water, and I've (mostly) succeeded. It's been an intersting switch, these last few weeks. Losing dad, moving cities, living with a parent again. To sound totally and completely cliche, I have good days and bad days. Scratch that. Good days and bad weeks. It seems that if something triggers something hard, it seems to carry over a few days. A dream about him, needing him to answer a question or deal with something that only a dad can deal with. And suddenly, I find myself snipping at everything and everyone. It's getting a tad ridiculous. For instance, this really happened the other day:
Me: "Ugh, I have to eat something with my meds so I don't get sick."
Mom: "Eat this, this or that." (Like yogurt or grapes or something.)
Me: "Blech."
Mom: "Well, try ***" (Another normally delicious option.)
Me: "Ugh, just stop. Stop. I'll just eat this semi-dry bagel thin."
Seriously? Remember the time that biting someone's head off when trying to help you is not kosher?? I feel bad about it but can't stop it while it's happening. I'm a monster!!
In all seriousness, most of the time I don't even know what the root cause is until later that day, evening, whatever I'm sitting there and I start bawling. Gosh, this grief stuff is hard going. Relying on Heavenly Father has helped, but it doesn't change the fact that as humans, we all grieve. It's hard, but it gets better.
Some of this may have to do with the fact that I have had a raging lunatic wreaking havoc on my ear canal for over a week now. What a JOY that has been. If this were the mid 90's, I would have to insert "NOT!" there. I miss the 90's.....
So a week ago Saturday, I was out shopping with my cute mom and my ear starts to hurt. Like ear infection hurt. Having grown up with those little beasts, I can typically recognize one. So I thought I would nip it in the earlobe and head over to the urgent care down the street. I thought maybe a couple antibiotics and an hour of my time would be fine. Well.........someone had other plans. After waiting about an hour to be seen (as is typical with urgent care, so no worries..) I am settled into my uber clinical cell, waiting for the practicioner. She comes in, gives me a once over, looks in my ear for a second, and tells me I absolutely do not have an ear infection. She thinks I just have some fluid in my ear behind the ear drum, "probably from swimming." I tell her I don't swim. She says from showering and tells me to buy some Mucinex, and, if it still hurts, here is a prescription for amoxycillin. After a lengthy discussion about taking antibiotics when I don't need them (I am against it, completely) she got frustrated and told me to fill it if I don't feel better after two days. I left feeling like I wasted my time, but thought I had an answer.
I headed over to the local Walgreens to get my goods. Holy Hannahbell!! Mucinex is $15.99, AND I had to sign over my first born to Rumplestiltskin at the pharmacy to ensure him I would not make Meth with it. $30 later (what? I also had to buy nasal spray because the "doc" warned me that Mucinex was going to dry me up like a prehistoric lake. No shame in this game! Ok, and maybe I bought some treats to keep me company through this long and painful Saturday night. Don't judge.) But I thought I had my answer, so I was set. I promptly took my Mucinex, and watched Secondhand Lions for the bazillionth time. I love it. I just want to put that little Haley Joel Osment in my pocket, he's so stinkin' cute.
Flash forward to Sunday. I wake up to a throb in my head that feels like millions of tiny gnomes have decided to celebrate Mardi Gras on my mastoid. I struggle through part of church and head home to get some rest with my newly acquired ear drops. By Monday, my cheek is super swollen. I call the clinic, and they tell me I need to come back right now. They are worried about the swelling because it isn't "normal". No kidding, Shirlock. So I talk to my team lead, tell her they want me back, and go to the clinic where I promptly wait not one, but two hours to be seen. Keep in mind this is my third visit. This time I saw the MD, not the PA, which I was grateful for. Yes, they are *almost* the same thing, except for some education...and residency....and experience. But an MD after a name puts me at ease. So after I give my account of what has happened thus far, she again tells me swelling isn't normal and looks in my ear. Then she tells me that I have an inner ear infection. Now, at this point, I am not aware that my ear canal is fully swollen shut. Yes, shut. So she tells me that I'm going to have to take different antibiotics, and that she needs to put a wick in my ear to keep my canal open and help absorb the ear drop antibiotics into my inner ear, where they need to be. She failed to tell me that it requires daily maintenance. However, she pats me on the back and sends me on my way with a prescription for Loritab and a different antibiotic. She could've sent me home with candy. All I heard was "Loritab" and I saw the sandman coming my way. All I could think was "Hallelujah, I'm gettin' some sleep tonight!!" All I wanted was this atrocious pain to go away so I could, you know, function.
However, Tuesday rolls around in all it's glory. I'm miserable. My face is now twice its size, and my ear is so swollen it no longer looks like an ear. Oh, the agony. I had now failed to sleep two nights in a row, and the Loritab was doing nothing. They might as well given me Smarties! But, I'm a trooper. I had to go back to the clinic yet again to get the devil wick removed. So, there we were. Me, the receptionist, and about 20 sick people hacking up a lung. Same routine, different day. Fourth visit in as many days, third copay. I was over it. Nothing new. When I told the PA that my face was lots bigger than it was yesterday, I was told to "deal with it" and let the antibiotics do their job. Deal with it? How about I sock you in the....nevermind. I just smiled sweetly. I made it home barely in time to start work. I managed to grit my teeth through a few student calls. I couldn't keep my voice steady through the pain, but I tried. I tried hard. I made it all the way until about 230 or so. That's when the pain hit its peak, and I had a karate movie moment. You know, the kind where there is a standstill and you know it's either going to be the bad guy or the kung fu master, but somebody ain't leaving alive. That was my moment. It was me, or the pain. Someone had to go, and I have stuff left to do in my life. That meant, Sayonara pain! Since the clinic obviously wasn't working, I decided to go to University Hospital ER. I called my mom in tears and told her I simply couldn't do it anymore. I felt bad bailing on work, but I could not make it. It simply wasn't going to happen. I was trying to wait for my bestie to come pick me up, but it was too intense. I hopped in Miss Vida and hit the road.
So, to wrap up a very long story...one CT scan, one dose of Morphine, several labs, an ENT specialist cleaning and six hours later I found myself with an answer. It was not, as had been claimed by the clinic, an Otitis Media, or inner ear infection. It was the devil mama of all ear infections, an outer ear infection. It had gone into my jaw bone a bit, but luckily had not yet moved into the Mastoid, which is where you really run into trouble. They asked me why I had not come sooner, it was serious enough that I needed help a lot quicker than I got it. I told them the clinic saga, and was met with groans.
So, after going to the doctor daily since Saturday March 3rd, I am nearly free and clear of this bad boy. I'm hoping tomorrow will end my daily specialist appointments, and that I can get back to normal life!
So that, my friends, is some drama for your mama.
1960 ~ 2012
