Sayonara, 2011!

Happy New Years Eve Eve!


Whew! Sayonara, 2011! We made it, some better than others. I'm pretty sure I'm leaving 2011 with barely a shred of energy. In some years past, I could've said that I could've done more, could've been more pleasant, could've cared more, could've this and could've that. But not 2011. Oh no, this puppy got my all. And boy, have I got the undereye luggage and dragging gait to prove it! However, I couldn't have asked for a better learning experience than the past 8 or so months. Did I murmur a bit? You betcha. I'm still working toward being that girl who is grateful for everything in the moment. I eventually get there. Like now. I'm grateful for all that has happened within my life the past year. But in a lot of instances, at the time I could've cut a face. There were times when I bawled and bawled in my little 13x13 bedroom, wondering when it would end and begging for mercy instead of being grateful for the experience. Honestly though, I couldn't have asked for better opportunities to love better, communicate better, work harder, and grow faster. I feel closer to my family than I ever have, and that includes my cute sister in law.  When she and my brother were married two years ago, I cried tears of grief. Seriously. Immature? Yes. But I always wanted a sister and I saw an opportunity in my brother's marriage, since my mom had adamantly said "NO!" too many times to count when I would ask for one. And so, when we didn't get along right away, I thought it would never happen. Also, the tears could've been because I was sick with the H1N1/Swine Flu and was bedridden for six days following the wedding. Again, seriously. My body has a knack for ruining special events. But, I digress. Now, two or so years later, I love that girl. She is awesome. We've had our issues and sometimes still do, but I couldn't have asked for a better person to be by my brothers side while going through all this. They are peaches and cream. I'm excited for our relationship to grow even more and see what comes in the future.

Naturally, since we are leaving 2011 and entering a new year, it is a time for reflection and goal setting/planning. I don't believe in resolutions. It is absurd to think that one can undo so many years of habit-making and learned behavior simply by thinking you'll "do it this year..finally!" through a resolution. Instead, I think we should focus on changing things a little at a time. I saw a link for the words below earlier today, and thought it fit in perfectly with what I was thinking.  Although I lived through somewhat of an emotional bootcamp this year with my dad's illness, a relationship ending, holding down two jobs and full time school, a flood, health scares, and beyond, there are still many things I can work on. And many things I can celebrate that I no longer do. Things like not believing in myself. I used to like to think that I knew I would step up to the plate when needed, but there was always a little seed of doubt in the back of my noggin' saying "maybe not..". But now I can say with a surety that I can, and will, step up to the plate. Sometimes you need to toot your own horn a little bit...so "TOOT TOOT"! In all seriousness though, I'm excited to say that my confidence has come back somewhat, and I'm thrilled. Somewhere along the way I lost it. Luckily, I put up posters and she has come back. Hardy har har.

So, my lovely friends and sometimes random readers (someone in Myanmar read my blog...I know no one in Myanmar. But that's amazing. Cue Kip in Napoleon Dynamite singing "I love Technology..."), I invite you to read the post inserted below and work on anything that you may be guilty of. Don't be a downer daisy when you can't do all of them at once. This is something to work on gradually to help us love ourselves more and make 2012 an amazing year!

<3 C

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

 Article written by Marc at Marcandangel.com

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled .
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness .
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done .
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
CREDIT: Full article written by Marc at Marcandangel.com HERE
Photo by Rob Brucker

Knock it off.

Disclaimer: I'm in a mood. Not a bad mood per se, just a mood. If you continue reading, take it with a grain of salt. 


Most of this is tongue in cheek, meaning it has a humorous tilt but is stuff that really irks me sometimes. Again, I was browsing facebook today (why do I keep referencing that lately? Oh yeah, I'm addicted. Might be time for detox) and came across this hilarious pic:

Pretty sure this is the plight of most vegetarians/pescetarians who have carnivore friends. I've found myself in this exact position quite a few times. I don't eat meat, and I really, really like hummus. Therefore, I assume that everyone else likes hummus, most often incorrectly. Which brings me to my first point.

1. Don't make a big deal out of me being vegetarian. I'm not high maintenance in this respect. And rest assured that I really, really appreciate the dinner invite and the fact that you would care to ask what I would like. I think it's very considerate that you would want to make sure there is something available for me. But it gets on my last dang nerve when people insist on making it an issue and continue to ask "CAN you eat that?" or "Are you sure? I can make something else. I'm just not sure what vegetarians eat."  We eat what everyone else eats, sans meat. I have been a vegetarian/vegan/pescetarian for just over 10 years now, and I'm pretty solid in the knowledge of what I can/cannot/will eat. Also, I have a medical condition that forces me to avoid some foods and stick to others. I don't consider you a terrible host if you don't have a giant vegetarian buffet laid out with four different entrees. If you're not sure, ask before the night of the dinner, and I will give you some budget options. In fact, I will most likely just offer to bring a dish of my own to share with the group so that you aren't stressed trying to cater to the one person in the group who doesn't eat chicken/beef/pork or whatever. Besides, I'm really not that nice. If I don't want it, I won't eat it. But it doesn't need to be a meltdown. I just love spending time with people I enjoy. Let's leave it at that.

**If Char, Terri, Mom or Grandma reads this, it has nothing to do with what happened Friday night. That was hilarious!**

2. No, I'm not secretly dating my roommate. Stop asking. This hasn't come up for me so much recently, but it has been an issue in the past. However, she gets asked almost daily, and it irks me to the core. I have known this girl for nearly six years, and she is the closest thing to a sister this girl has. I do have an amazing sister in law, and we are working on our relationship and getting closer every day. But my roomie and I are like peanut butter and jelly. Yes, I am an active, temple going member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Yes, she identifies as lesbian. We lived together for a long time while I was away from the church, and have continued to live together as I have gone on my journey back to full fellowship within the LDS church. There is nothing funky going on. We respect each other and our boundaries. Yes, we disagree on some things pertaining to lifestyle, but we talked about it a long time ago and decided what we would and would not tolerate in our home. But she is also a person who is trying to live a Christ-centered life. We have set the perimeters for our frienship/relationship and our home, and have managed to create a home where the Spirit can dwell and guide our lives daily. We read scriptures together, have prayers, and regular discussions on our faith and attitudes toward religion and religous happenings. We spend a lot of time together because we are the best of best friends. We support each other, encourage each other, and give space when needed. I cook because she can't, and she kills spiders because I can't. That's it. Not that it's anyone's business, but I needed a vent. She is one of the best people I know. So when we say roommate, we mean just that. Maybe "housemate" would be better, because we have our own rooms. Regardless, there is no need to say "roommate?' or "rooooomate?" *eyebrow raise*. Get real, people. We are adult enough to hold ourselves accountable for our actions. If we were dating, we would say so. Get over it.

3. Aren't you sad that you're so old and not married? Nope. Girl, I am not old. 28 is not anywhere near old. I just had my quarter life crisis a couple years ago. I'm barely scraping the surface of this life of mine. I understand that eternal marriage and families are central to our Heavenly Father's plan and are definitely worthy goals. I don't turn down any opportunities presented to me and am actively involved in life and pursuing goals I feel are worthwhile. That being said, I am not going to stress about it. I have a strong testimony that our Heavenly Father knows us personally, and knows exactly what we are going through and also knows exactly how we are feeling. He also knows our missions in this life and what will best help us get there. When it is right, I will know. For now, I am focusing on learning things that will help me be a better wife and mother when the time comes. And believe me, it will come. Whether it is during my time on earth or later on, the time will come. All our knowledge comes with us when we pass on, and I want to be ready with all the knowledge I can so that I can stand in front of the judgement seat and say I did everything I could to be the best person I could. It does get hard being alone sometimes, but then I remember that I have important work to do and that, if nothing else, I matter to Him.

The Burning House

A week ago, I thought I was losing my best guy friend.

My dad is ill, very ill. And that Sunday in the ICU, it didn't feel like he would get a whole lot better. Mom was asked about life support preferences, the big ones. Did you know there are varying degrees of life support? I didn't, not until now. My brother and sister in law flew in from Tennessee. We prayed. We held dad's swollen hand, talking to him and hoping he heard our secrets. And we cried. I hit every stage of grief within that week, struggling between tense, gut-wrenching sadness and comfort in the stalwart knowledge that families can be together for ever. And it's not just a song, it is truth.

Fast forward a week and one day later. 8 days and many miracles later, I sat here at my desk checking facebook and feeling a whole lot better about things. We are not out of the woods, and he is still a very sick man. But maybe, just maybe, I can let this knot in my stomach go, even if just a little bit. A friend of mine posted something intriguing on facebook today, something that caught and kept my attention for a good portion of time. She introduced me to The Burning House, a blog with a collection of pictures of the items people would take if their house were burning and they had only minutes to condense their most important posessions to a small number of items they could carry in their arms. I found it so interesting to see the things that people would take. There were an infinite number of Macbooks and hipster sunglasses, lighters, sentimental stuffed animals of one breed or another, pets, family and other minutiae that we, as everyday people, find terribly important. It got me thinking about my minutiae, and what I would take. So I started to take stock.

I wasn't surprised to find that after some digging, most of my items relate to family, considering our current situation. Of course, my list now is vastly different than what it would have been had I done this five years ago. Ten years ago.

Here is my pic:

The List:

1. A blue sign painted for me by my brother. It reminds me that it is all worth it.
2. My 20 yr old scriptures and my scripture journal of inspiration and revelation.
3. A blue ceramic box made for me by my mom when I was just a little one. The inscription on the bottom reads "To my favorite little girl! Love, Mom Dec 1990"
4. A handcrafted wooden sign made by my dad in 2006. It reads "A good heart and good mind are a formidable combination. -N. Mandela"
5. Letters, a postcard, and a copy of The Book of Mormon with his testimony in it from my brother while on his mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
6. A mug I made in 7th grade. It's a duck, and reminds me that we are ever changing.
7. A picture of my dad and I, circa 1987.
8. My journal from Spain, because it reminds me where I've been in life. It was a gift from my parents.
9. My tin Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox filled with notes and pictures from my school days.
10. My copy of a women's healthcare parity bill I co-wrote for the 2002 General Session of the Utah State Legislature
11. My favorites from my postcard collection.

Everything else can be replaced, including my birth certificate and such. But these things, these things are irreplaceable. While collecting them, I realized something very important.

I've already been taking things from my own figurative "burning house", stockpiling them like a mad woman.

Except my burning house was not bricks and mortar, it was my perceived shortened relationship with my best guy friend. That house has felt like it's been burning for a long time through this illness, and just when I thought we were at the end of his mortal existence, I was taking what I could from our relationship to make sure I had nuggets of goodness to last me until I would see him again. I realized that I have been going over our memories in my head for a long time now. Memories of when I was a kid, his jokes, the time the two of us went to LA all by ourselves, acted like idiots on Hollywood Boulevard, the time he taught me how to gamble at the tables in Vegas at 19 and how he threatened me with my life if I told mom. How he used to sing to me every.single.night no matter how tired he was when I was little. The bracelet I have with his name on it. The hours he spent in the shop, insisting that I learn how to change my own brakes and belts because "independent girls need skills".

Fortunately, all of my most treasured items from this burning house are not tangible. The same goes for my feelings and thoughts about my mom and brother. We are a family built on what matters, not the things in life which can be lost or misplaced. We are a family who have experienced each other and our relationships in a way that will bond us forever, and for this I will forever be grateful.

Stuff doesn't matter. Turns out the guy was right.

What would you take??

Took a little breather..

Happy Easter!!  So many things to be grateful for on this special day. I'm most grateful for our Savior, who thought I was worth making such a great sacrifice. I will be forever grateful for the things he has done (and continues to do) for me. If someone had told me three years ago that I would come back to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and love it, I would have laughed a side-splitting laugh in their face. But it was hands down the BEST decision I've ever made in my life. Don't get me wrong, it was hard. I can honestly say that it was the hardest thing I've ever done or been through, and I've been through some pretty hard things. When I came back to church, I lost the majority of my friends, with the exception of a handful My bestie, Kerri, is the most supportive friend a girl could ask for.. I was harrassed and threatened daily by those who used to know me. I didn't know who I was. I had to go through some things at church to get on the right path, and spent a lot of time feeling uncertain that I was worth it. But I coudn't shake the feeling that what I was doing was the right thing, and it turns out that it was. Maybe one day I will finally share my full conversion story publicly, but today is not that day. However, I will say that I can finally agree with our Father in Heaven that I AM worth all this trouble, because I am his child and I have a purpose in this life. That is the best feeling ever.

Wow, I did not realize that it had been nearly a month since my last update! Brand new blog, and I'm already slacking. I don't have a fancy or extravagant excuse, just the old standard. "I've been super busy." And I have.
 Here's an overview, for those who care:

Celebrated the big 28. Guess I finally have to admit I'm a grown up.

School has been kicking my butt this term. My (rockin') mentor Paul decided that it would be a good idea for me to finish math, both anatomy and physiology courses, Healthcare Ecosystems, and one other class this term. I could kick him, haha. As usual, I got a late start (it's a flaw). So I've been studying like a mad woman this past month to get everything done. I've readjusted my attitude, and I can sort of see a glow at the end of the school tunnel. It's very faint, but it's there.....

Work is great....and stressful. However, there may be a change on the horizon. An exciting change. Nothing set in stone, but I feel it's a good move.

Gearing up for my trip to Memphis. I'm super excited to spend some time with T and E (without all the family craziness. It's fun when they're here, but it's a lot of planning and craziness so they can see everyone.) Also planning to hit Seattle in September/October, and of course Burma in January.

Voice lessons are AWESOME. I was hesitant, but Julie has been able to kick my butt into gear and help me reach things I never thought possible. She's trying to get me to do a recital. My first reaction was oh heck no. However, I may do it for Mom and Dad. Aren't recitals for six year olds?

Last but not least. I've been spending quite a bit of time with friends and family recently, which has been fabulous. T & E are in town, I got to see the extended family for a bit (with the exception of the Herricks...as in D & T. Miss you guys).

I'm done. It's been a crazy weekend with all the stuff going on, and a full work week is ahead.  Best wishes to everyone for a great week!

Sing, Sing.

I am a passionate person, by nature. I believe passion to be necessary, a way for us to feel alive and stay in touch. One of my passions is music. I know, cliche. Don't judge me!  I enjoy it immensely. I love opera, and listening to those who have been classically trained. While I think that popular music has its place (especially when you're in the mood to dance) it's just too much sometimes. I don't really dig hip hop, it's too nasty. I don't give a hoot what someone is doing with someone else's boyfriend or who's wearing apple bottom jeans or what she's doing in those jeans. Lady Gaga? Not so much. She's a creeper.

I was introduced to the Phantom of the Opera early, and it was love at first listen. One of my first cd's was the Phantom soundtrack, and I feel asleep to it every night as a tween.  Every. Night. I would wake up with Sarah Brightman in my head and tangled in my headphones, usually being poked by the metal headband. I always imagined that I would be the diva, with a beautiful, flowing dress. Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that diva. I think she crept into the shadows and hung out there with my other fleeting dreams: the artist, the cello master,  and the photojournalist.

My point is that I have always wanted to sing opera. Even if it wasn't on stage, even if I never made it into an actual opera. Even if the only person I sing to is myself. I rediscovered that dream today, thanks to my awesome mom.

I mentioned (about a year ago) that I thought of auditioning for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. This came after I had the opportunity to sing with our beautiful stake choir in the Interfaith Choir event that is held annually, and includes choirs from local Episcopal, Catholic, Methodist and LDS churches in the downtown Salt Lake City area. The woman responsible for directing the choir last year is in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and mentioned to me that I should. I was flattered, of course, but never made anything of it. Luckily, my mom did. My mom has an incredible knack for picking up on things that my brother and I desire, and that she also feels are worthwhile. Once she's picked up on it, there is no stopping her! Needless to say, she devised a plan on her own to get me there. So, for Christmas 2010, I received the fabulous gift of seven voice lessons to get me started back on the path to the choir. I had my first lesson tonight. Yes, I am fully aware that it is March. I just never got around to scheduling my first lesson. I was too TERRIFIED busy to fit the lessons in, what with church callings, school and work. Last week I made the mistake  decision to pay my parents a surprise midweek visit, and I was forced to call the voice teacher right then and there. Oh, the pain! I was shakin' in my boots.

After tonight, I am no longer scared of Julie, and have a renewed faith that I can whip this old voice back into shape. I think she's heading up the optimism train, because after my FIRST lesson, she said my voice is good enough to whip this bad boy out.  Either that, or Puccini's "O mio babbino caro." We'll see how this goes.....

Maymyo, Burma

I will be here January 2012. . Just wanted to share my excitement!!!

Festival of Colors